Not sure when or how that happened, but all of a sudden there's a little baby fever around here. Probably because I'm watching my sister's cute bump grow, and just heard my cousin is going to have a girl (yay!) and now we are headed into the hit-push-pinch-scratch-bite phase and it's already a little overwhelming. So I suppose I just miss my sweet little cuddly baby.
There are several things stopping me. One is, I think I'd be more suited to two children when J is a little older, maybe four or five?
I think that and then I remember how ridiculous it is to make a "plan" as if I'll just take out my IUD and get pregnant. Ha! So the second thing is that I'm not ready for infertility again. I'm not ready for another possible five years of unknown, or feeling hope draining out with every pregnancy test I take. Someday I might be. Someday I might just decide that the time doesn't matter. J can be 12 and have a little brother or sister on the way for all I care, but right now I'm not prepared to let the sadness of constant disappointment creep back into our little family.
The third thing is something I didn't even realize until a friend of mine said something very insightful. She asked if we were going to have another soon and I kind of shrugged it off. Then she said, "You know, not every birth is the same."
I immediately felt all the pain (emotional, not physical) of Johnny's birth come sweeping back into my heart. I haven't thought about it in a long time, but as I do now I can feel my heart start to beat faster and am becoming a little light-headed...
I didn't know it hurt so much- I wasn't letting it. But I was certainly 'shrugging off' the thought of doing it all over again. Trauma is something I've never had to deal with. There's been sadness and loss but never such a feeling as this that I'm finally allowing myself to acknowledge.
And so there it is: Fear... of the unknown (this month? maybe THIS month?!), of disappointment (nope, not this month... again), of emotional pain. I've always been proud of the way I've dealt with fear in the past but I think this time it may take awhile to move on from it.
I would go into a new pregnancy with all the optimism of the last for sure, and it would probably be much better because I'd be more prepared by default. Just getting to the pregnancy and then through the birth is something I'm not yet looking forward to.
But someday :)