In which my Lady Bits leave the building.

Next Wednesday I am checking into the surgery ward down the street and Thursday I will be wheeled out with a few less organs. I have been trying to think of a way to 'announce' that, I guess the blog is the best place really. I've talked a lot about endometriosis here, and that's what this boils down to. 

The pain began 12 years ago during my first and only semester of college, in a split second that lands me in the hospital in fear of an unknown miscarriage; a scary moment for the *very* young couple Chris and I are at the time. It's not a baby, thanks to the actual cause of pain. 

Four years and many missed days of work, bottles of pain killers, and long, sad nights later, I sit in my doctor's office facing my first surgery to diagnose what he thinks it may be. I awake from anesthesia to sad news, things I didn't even know could happen. A clubbed tube. Attached ovaries. Scar tissue spider-webbing throughout my abdomen. Bleeding cells wreaking havoc having gone unchecked for years. News that I better try to get pregnant now, within six months, before I lose my chances forever. 

Save my uterus. That's all I ask of the doctor. He does. I don't get pregnant. And I don't. And I don't. And I don't. The pain comes and goes, but never as severe. Diet can do wonders for how endo makes you feel. On a feeding regimen of bread, soda, and coffee, hell on Earth can be felt. Take those away for only one month and life can feel normal again. Mostly. 

It still grows. It still spreads. 

Another four years. Another surgery. Clear the tubes. Cut the scar tissue once more. And then...

Pregnancy. 

Surprised by this organ that I've hated for years, that I've coddled and despised and treated with the utmost respect and disdain simultaneously... this little pocket of tissue fulfills my deepest desires in an instant. Now I love it.  I celebrate it! It makes me woman! It makes me mother! It creates the most incredible being I've ever seen, ever imagined. 

As I watch him grow, the damn bloody cells grow too. Unseen, another four years. I always imagined the first pains that night in the hospital to  have felt as if laboring a child would feel. Now I know. They do. One long tearful night later and I am lost. I can't keep doing this. Love and hate. Pain and pleasure. I've held on to my uterus long enough. 

I need to let it go. It needs to let me go. 

Fear grips me.... but the pain no longer will. 

~~~~~~

I found this a little bit ago and it kind of makes me feel better: 

"What I realized though is that your uterus may be leaving – but your You-terus is fully intact.

• Your You-terus is the most fertile part of you – the part that is always pregnant with ideas.
• Your You-terus provides a structural, moral integrity to the systems that surround it – your ideas, wishes, hopes and dreams – they are irrevocably connected.
• Your You-terus provides a warm, safe, nurturing environment for your creativity.
• Your You-terus will always be able to contract, expand, and give birth — as you are an unstoppable creator.
• And Your You-terus, which learned a lot from your uterus by the way, can never, ever, be removed." (from My Uterus, My Choice)

A place for art!

I want to finally show off our home art studio! 

I somehow don't have a before photo, but imagine a (brown) carpeted den with a random assortment of seating, desks, shelves, toys, and electronics. 

We tore up the carpet, painted the concrete, bought enough furniture to outfit a small classroom, added some more permanent shelving, and hung the rest of our art collection. This is the result: 

A few things have been added, because it is now also my sewing room/classroom, but I managed to keep that to a minimum. And of course, these photos where from when it was brand-spnking-new-sparling-clean... it's a bit more lived in now. ;)

And this is our first kids' art morning! They are going to be a bi-weekly event, and I'm super excited to keep them going! I'm so thankful for the group I've met here that is just as enthusiastic about them. (hearts!!)

I have *many* hopes and dreams for this room!

Comfort food.

We left Germany a year ago this week, on the 9th I think.
I miss many parts about it, that's for sure.
One thing (one of the biggest things) is the Indian restaurant, Taj Mahal, in Bernkastle. This is where we celebrated every birthday, every accomplishment, and where we brought almost every single person that visited us in the seven years we lived there. So much love, such delicious food, all under the lovely shadow of a centuries-old castle atop a hill, and with a hand-made Italian gelato joint right across the walkplatz that we thoroughly enjoyed every summer.
My favorite dish to order was Aloo Matar, or potatoes and peas in tomato cream sauce.
Once we got to the U.S. I scoured the area for a good replica of this dish. I found a really decent one, but everyone else in the house is not so keen on that particular restaurant (not to mention we are all a little broke now and don't want to spend so much on dinner!). So it's for *really* special occasions. In the meantime, I learned to make this delicious dish just to my liking. I hope that if I ever made if for the family in Bernkastle that they would be proud! I make it about once a week now, and it warms my belly and my heart each time! I thought I'd share the recipe with you, in case you are ever feeling adventurous and want a little taste of *my* home. ;)





























Aloo Matar (this is adapted from a recipe at Food.com):

2 small potatoes, cubed and boiled

2 cups frozen peas

1 medium white onion, diced

2 teaspoons crushed and chopped garlic

2 teaspoons crushed and chopped ginger

2 cups stewed or crushed tomatoes

1/4 cup olive oil

2 teaspoons cumin seeds1 tsp fenugreek seeds

2 bay leaves

1/2 teaspoon turmeric

1/2 teaspoon garam masala

1 tablespoon coriander powder

1/2 cup coconut cream

1/2 cup chopped fresh cilantro

Salt to taste

Water to add to make thinner if desired

1. Heat oil over medium heat.
2. Add cumin and fenugreek seeds and bay leaves.
3. When seeds begin to splutter, add onion, garlic, and ginger and saute until oil separates.
4. Add half the tomato sauce, tumeric, garam masala, and corriander powder.
5. Stir fry until the oil separates.
6. Add peas, potatoes, and the rest of the tomato sauce and heat through.
7. Take out the bay leaves, add salt to taste.
8. Add the coconut cream and cilantro, stir, then add some water if it is too thick for your tastes. 

I make this really mild so that J can eat it with no issues, but I always keep hot chili powder handy to add to my plate. 

This should be eaten atop rice, which I make with some saffron and caraway seeds, I add a little of each to the water with the rice right in the beginning. 

Man, so good. Enjoy! :) 

Healing.

I have a story to tell you. I am going to try and get it all out in a cohesive manner before putting it on the blog, though. For now there is this, a piece I put together the other night in conjunction with an art project I'm working on, as well as the story:

I will write more soon, for now I'll be sifting through things before they sneak up on me!